Still Here

...and so...we are still here...Southerners.

This week, I came face to face with that decision I had to make. While quite some time had passed since I had had my supposed moment of clarity, when I got a phone call on Monday morning with an actual job offer, that clarity vanished and I had to search for it all over again.

What kind of mumbo jumbo am I schpealing here?

Well, we actually had the opportunity to be Northward Bound, once again. I am still in a state of disbelief...that I actually turned down a job that could have been incredibly challenging and fulfilling...and have led to new paths in my career. What was I thinking? But somehow, after feeling it was "oh so right" - it actually became - "oh so not right now".

Flung back into the face of making the decision, I tell you, I had a hard time. I could envision all of us up in Iqaluit. Imagine, everything close at hand once again? Ahhh, walks on the tundra. Sea ice...ragged and crushing but awesome. Northern Lights dancing. Smiling faces at NorthMart and Ventures. Comfort. Familiarity. Community.

So...why not then? Why not go back?

It all sounds so wonderful. Why not return?

Brent left me to make my decision on my own. I am thankful for that. As a result, I have ownership over the decision. I claim it as my own.

On Thursday morning, I said, "I can't believe I am going to turn down this job." He said I had better be sure. Then he asked, "Why?" I said it was not something logcial. Not the financials. Not anything tangible. It was merely a feeling. How stupid is that? I know I could do the job. I think I could bring a lot to the place. The job would have had an impact on my career path that I felt was beneficial. So where did this feeling come from? Why go with it?

And I want to know...how did that feeling shift so quickly, so suddenly...in the middle of the night? How did that happen? And why, then, when the woman called to actually offer the job did I get excited about it? Why did I start asking all the questions - where would our housing be? I had already phoned and placed my youngest person on the daycare waiting list.

In my letter and phone call, I suggested that I would be interested in short term contracts...should the opportunity arise. But for some reason...returning North...to its wonders and good people...somehow that is not meant to take place right now.

Despite the certainty in the feeling, as I spoke to the woman in Human Resources and after I got off the phone...I nearly threw up.

Here I am...still Southward Bound...not fully there...3 1/2 years later.

Julie & Julia

So, I got to see the movie about Julie (a 30 yr old woman embarking on cooking over 500 of Julia Childs' recipes and blogging about them) and Julia Childs (as she looks to find her place and embarks on writing her cookbook - French cuisine for Americans). Loved the movie. It also has me thinking...I can write! I can!! I can blog, too. Look at me now. I am thinking, I listen to CBC all the time. Perhaps I will start a blog, like Julie, that lasts for 365 days, that records my reactions and responses to things I have heard on CBC Radio 1. Just an idea. I'll let you know.

In the writing realm, something exciting has occured. While I am not a published writer, per se, I am now a published editor! La!! I'm pretty proud. I very much enjoyed the book. It is called: ME FIRST: If I Should Wake Before I Die, written by Betty Healey. Ultimately, Betty is challenging her reader to discover what her/his ultimate goals, dreams, and hopes are and follow them to fruitiong. She wants readers to stop and breathe. Take time to consider the reader's own needs and place.

As a Mom raising her kids while their Dad is away at least 50% of the time, I found the challenge sometimes hard to wrap my head around. What a concept! Stopping and considering what I need!! I am so often busy finding out about things for my kids or taking my kids to their activities that I forget to consider what this gal needs to thrive and grow.

I have taken a small step toward improving this situation. About three weeks ago, I began getting up and doing yoga - be it for 10 minutes, 20, or 30 - usually between 10 and 20. It is not a lot but I am working toward doing this every day. Offering myself 10 minutes or more just to ME!

In addition to reading and editing ME FIRST, I have also read "Eat, Pray, Love" for the second time. This book resonates with me! I am not in my 30s. I am not single. I am a Mom. Yet the search for balance that Liz undertakes...resonates! If I had the time, I too would seek balance!! Ha ha!

Balance...yes...what a concept. That and a sense of knowing and direction. Since leaving the North, I do not feel I have truly found my place. Not knowing one's place makes it difficult to find balance, I think. Perhaps the search for place runs alongside that journey toward balance.

About a month ago, I was in a place where it looked like I would have to make an important decision. For the first time, I actually had a moment of absolute clarity. I've heard of these moments...but do not recall ever having experienced one. I woke up in the middle of the night and knew, with absolute certainty, what I must do. Not trusting this overwhelming instict, I said to myself - "Okay, but I want signs." Interestingly and crazily enough...they came. They really did. The very next morning one came. A day or two later...another came. And then another and another. It was wild. I must seem rather vague as I am not telling you what decision had to be made. I may be able to do so later. Really, it is not all that mysterious...but I don't think this is the time or forum to discuss it.

So, I search for place and balance. I consider blogging about my responses to my beloved (yes, it is to me - this is something I have grown up with and cannot imagine my life without!) CBC. I am seeking and finding signs after a moment (the first, I think) of absolute clarity! And yes, I am a published editor! As well, I did not mention, a College Professor, don't you know! All of this...and a Mom, too! Ahhh, life is good. Truly an adventure!

Be well! It is a GLORIOUS day here! The view from here is spectacular. Yours too, I hope!